The Wacky Adventures of Charles I


Alright, so we have the young Charles Stuart, future Charles I, even more future headless king of England. We have the Duke of Buckingham, boyfriend of King James I. James has been chatting up the Spanish with the hope of marrying Charles to the Spanish Infanta, Maria Anna. Charles is Protestant, Maria Anna is Catholic, so the rest of Europe is like…dafuq dude this will never work. Meanwhile, James has married his daughter, Elizabeth, to a Protestant with the assumption that he would provide a shitload of help against the Hapsburgs, and then has totally flaked on that and is now cozying up to them hoping to marry his son to a Hapsburg.

SO, Charles and his dad’s boyfriend get this FANTASTIC idea in their head that they’re gonna go pay Maria Anna a visit, but first they’re gonna get shitfaced in France. So they put on floppy hats, thinking this totally disguises them despite being dressed like a prince and a duke. Then they go over to France, where fucking no one is fooled, because floppy hats make shitty disguises. They then proceed to wander around France for a while sampling the local food and booze. Everyone knows who they are but are too polite (the French, polite?) to point out that their cover has not only been blown, but reported back to Daddy (boyfriend, in Buckingham’s case). James is like…my son is an idiot but I guess go with it?

Eventually, Charles and Buckingham get sick of France and make it over to Spain where they, with a big SIGH, decide to put on their big boy pants and do some DIPLOMACY. And by DIPLOMACY I mean negotiate for Maria Anna’s hand in marriage while being so rude they almost get kicked out. Unfortunately, they also have to be reminded that Maria Anna is a Catholic and wants to raise her kids Catholic. Which Charles isn’t comfortable with. But that’s ok! See, Charles has been raised with a Hollywood attitude and believes that Love Will Conquer All.

So despite having barely ever seen her and never speaking a word with her, he climbs over a wall to surprise her, getting down on one knee to propose.


Maria Anna runs back to her brother, Spanish King Philip IV, drops on her knees, and begs to be allowed to join a nunnery.

Yeah. She was so upset by Charles’ romantic gesture that she wanted to join a nunnery.

Dear every single rom com and sit com produced within the last 100 years. This shit is not romantic. It is fucking creepy. Do not surprise girls you don’t know or refuse to take no for an answer. We are not playing hard to get. We simply DO NOT WANT YOU.

Charles then went full Nice Guy, deciding he didn’t want Maria Anna anyway, since she was so obsessed with nuns. And then he threatened to declare war on the Hapsburgs.

Anyway, Charles went on to marry a French Princess (a Catholic one, so I guess he got over that).  Maria Anna married her cousin and her daughter, Mariana, married her brother, Philip IV, so the creep was strong amongst the Hapsburgs, but regardless, let me repeat myself.


Oh, and Charles I was beheaded in the English Civil War and his entire branch of the family was routed around, the crown being handed down through his sister’s line. The one his dad screwed over. Justice served, I guess?

Questions? Comments? Let me know below! I can also be reached on Twitter @Rhydnara.

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