FREEEEEEDOOOOOOOOM and Other Lies Told to Me By a Raving, Anti-Semitic Lunatic

Or, everything wrong with Braveheart You know what I really like to do? Trash historical movies from the 1990s. Can you guess what movie I’m going to trash this time? I mean, I wrote it right in the title. I’m going to shit on Braveheart. Besides featuring the very odd BDSM fetish of one ofContinue reading “FREEEEEEDOOOOOOOOM and Other Lies Told to Me By a Raving, Anti-Semitic Lunatic”

MOTHERFUCKING VIKINGS Part I

Or, INCEST. INCEST EVERYWHERE In case it hasn’t been made clear yet, royalty likes to interbreed.  Cousins like to marry cousins, and incest is a cherished family value.  Prince Albert (Queen Victoria’s husband) was a man who believed that peace in Europe could be achieved by all of his grandkids marrying each other.  As aContinue reading “MOTHERFUCKING VIKINGS Part I”

When the Prince of Wales is Actually Descended from the Prince of Wales

Or, the only king I hate more than Henry VII Also, I really like footnotes. When Edward I smashed Wales in the late 13th century, he left behind the beginnings of a massive building project, most of which you can still see today. There are a collection of ring fortresses around Wales, primarily Flint, Rhuddlan,Continue reading “When the Prince of Wales is Actually Descended from the Prince of Wales”

The Wacky Adventures of Charles I

Or, WE DON’T FIND THAT SHIT ROMANTIC, WE FIND IT CREEPY Alright, so we have the young Charles Stuart, future Charles I, even more future headless king of England. We have the Duke of Buckingham, boyfriend of King James I. James has been chatting up the Spanish with the hope of marrying Charles to theContinue reading “The Wacky Adventures of Charles I”

Keeping Track of Outlander

Or, my obsession with 18th century fashion Are you like me, totally blown away by all of the amazing, to DIE for dresses on Showtime’s Outlander? Or are you like me, completely distracted by the sexy guys in kilts? Or are you also like me, really confused by all of the guys named Prince CharlieContinue reading “Keeping Track of Outlander”

The Curious Case of Catherine Carey

Or, how to annoy the shit out of your friends I recently went to Hershey Park with a few friends for my birthday.  One friend in particular told me that he was descended from Thomas West, 3rd Baron De La Warr.  Apparently this isn’t the first time he’s told me this, but for some reasonContinue reading “The Curious Case of Catherine Carey”

In Search of the Ultimate Lancastrian

Or, an attempt to restore the reputation of Mary I I like John of Gaunt.  I think he was a pretty awesome guy.  He certainly had a huge impact on England, and, genealogically speaking, a massive impact on the world.  You know.  With his dick. I’ve talked a lot about him, but never his wholeContinue reading “In Search of the Ultimate Lancastrian”

Henry VIII Was a Narcissistic Sociopath

Or, basically he was Trump Henry VIII was a narcissistic sociopath. I could write essay after essay about how narcissistic and out of control he was (and many other people have), but instead I chose to focus on the geneology of his marriages. The Catholic Church during the Middle Ages, at least up until theContinue reading “Henry VIII Was a Narcissistic Sociopath”

No One Ever Remembers Joan Beaufort

Or, Henry Tudor sucks The main characters: John of Gaunt, Duke of Lancaster Edward of Woodstock, called The Black Prince, Duke of Aquitaine Richard of Bordeaux, future Richard II Lionel of Antwerp, Duke of Clarence Edward of Windsor, future Edward III Edmund of Langley, Duke of York Katherine Swynford Joan Beaufort, daughter of John ofContinue reading “No One Ever Remembers Joan Beaufort”

And Now, a Brief Introduction to the British Royal Family Tree

Or, the spastic ramblings of a caffeinated, bored, super-nerd I’ve always been interested in British history.  I could list off Henry VIII’s six wives since I was ten, and I had the years 1066 (William the Bastard invades), 1215 (John signs the Magna Carta), and 1485 (Henry Tudor defeats Richard III at Bosworth) stuck inContinue reading “And Now, a Brief Introduction to the British Royal Family Tree”