Or, the creepy tale of the Portuguese corpse queen
High energy particle physics has the Grand Unified Theory – the GUT. The idea that at a high enough energy, the three gauge interactions of the Standard Model – the electromagnetic, the weak, and the strong forces – become the same thing.
Well, I’m going to introduce the Grand Unified Family. The idea that if you go far enough back in a royal family tree, you will find that everyone is related to everyone else.
This isn’t a new idea. In fact, I already introduced it in MOTHERFUCKING VIKINGS Part I. The most recent common ancestors between the royal families are John William Friso, Prince of Orange and his wife, Marie Louise of Hesse-Kassel. And, following standard logic, anyone these two are descended from is therefore additionally a common ancestor of the current royal families. To put it more simply, if A is descended from B, and B is descended from C, then A is descended from C. Now, to be clear, when I say royal family, I mean every royal family that existed as of World War I. By the end of WWI, several of these monarchies ceased to exist, but there are living pretenders to most of these thrones.
As a reminder, I’ll list the monarchies here again, along with the current ruler. For simplicity’s sake, I’ll reduce all of the principalities of Germany to Prussia, as the German Emperor ruled from there as of WWI. If the principality no longer exists, it is italicized. If it is also underlined, no pretender exists.
- Albania
- Austria-Hungary: Karl von Hapsburg
- Belgium: King Philippe of Belgium
- Brazil: Prince Luiz of Orléans-Braganza/Pedro Carlos of Orléans-Braganza (both have claims)
- Bulgaria: Simeon II
- Denmark: Queen Margrethe II
- France: Jean, Count of Paris (there are three pretenders, but I heavily believe the Orléans claim is the most legitimate)
- Prussia: Georg Friedrich, Prince of Prussia (Georg Friedrich is not descended from Wilhelm II, the last German Kaiser, but he is descended from John William Friso)
- Greece: King Constantine II
- Italy: Vittorio Emanuele, Prince of Naples
- Liechtenstein: Prince Hans-Adam II
- Luxembourg: Grand Duke Henri
- Monaco: Prince Albert II
- The Netherlands: King Willem-Alexander
- Norway: King Harald V
- Portugal: Ok, technically this is the only exception. The last queen consort of Portugal, Augusta Victoria of Hohenzollern, was descended from John William Friso, but the current pretender, Duarte Pio, Duke of Braganza, is not
- Romania: Princess Margareta of Romania
- Russia: Grand Duchess Maria Vladimirovna (there are two pretenders to the throne, but only Maria is descended from Friso)
- Spain: King Felipe VI
- Sweden: King Carl XVI Gustaf
- The United Kingdom: Queen Elizabeth II
- Yugoslavia: Crown Prince Alexander
Alright, so now we have our A (The List) and we have our B (John William Friso and his wife). Let’s explore a C.
I need to preface this by saying THIS MOST LIKELY DIDN’T HAPPEN. Stories get passed down and through the centuries details get added on and eventually the story we hear has changed so dramatically from the beginning that it’s more of a fairy tale than the truth. It’s one long game of Telephone. So while this may come across as Tim Burton’s wet dream, in reality it was probably a lot more boring. But here’s the warped story history has given us.
In the early 1300s, Alfonso XI of Castile married Maria, the oldest daughter of Afonso IV of Portugal. But he treated her like garbage and she eventually went back to Portugal because she was sick of being treated so badly. Pissed off about this, Afonso IV (of Portugal) had his son, Peter, marry Costanza, the daughter of Juan Manuel, who was a cousin and bitter enemy of Alfonso XI (of Castile). It’s complicated, I know.
When Costanza came to Portugal to marry Peter, she brought with her as a lady-in-waiting Ines de Castro. Peter and Ines immediately fell in love. Costanza eventually died after giving birth to Peter’s son. Peter refused to give Ines up as a mistress, and even claimed to have married her in secret. Eventually, the scandal of their affair grew so bad that Afonso IV (of Portugal) sent assassins after her and decapitated her in front of her children.
Peter rose up in rebellion against his father and was soundly defeated, but became king shortly after when his father died. And here’s where the story gets really weird (if the beheading wasn’t enough).
Supposedly, Peter had the assassins brought to court and ripped out their hearts with his bare hands, claiming they had done the same to him. In addition, he had Ines’ corpse dug up, crowned, and set upon a throne. He then forced his subjects to kiss the hand of the “queen.”
Here are the facts we can prove. Peter I of Portugal had a daughter, Beatrice, with Ines de Castro. Peter and Ines are buried in the royal monastery in two opposing tombs facing each other with the words “Until the end of the world” (in Portuguese) inscribed on the marble. So, even if he didn’t dig up her corpse, Peter obviously loved her.
Joanna of Castile was descended from Beatrice through her father, Ferdinand II. Additionally, Joanna was descended from Afonso IV’s (Portugal) daughter, Maria, through her mother, Isabella. As Marie Louise of Hesse-Kassel was descended from Joanna of Castile, we have our C. Or rather, we have our C and D. Ines de Castro to Joanna of Castile to Marie Louise of Hesse-Kassel to The List.
I’ll get into why Maria of Hapsburg is circled later. It turns out she’s very, very important
Anyway, keep an eye out, because I’m going to be referencing the GUF frequently from here on out.
Questions? Comments? Contact info for Tim Burton so I can pitch his next movie? Let me know below! I can also be reached on Twitter @Rhydnara.
Rhydnara the Viking 